Once upon a time in the underbelly of a biology building...

Dear Autoclave Troll,

I have heard tale of a fiendish giant that lives in the basement of the biology building. There, say the undergrads, is a creature who travels on the wind, takes the shape of doors, and is sworn to protect the autoclave for the basement dwellers. This troll, they say, wears cut off pants as shorts, a shirt that with no sleeves but whose shoulders are ironed into a Michael Jackson point. They fear you are fond of carrying off poor little undergrads, who attempt to use the autoclave.

I can appreciate your need to protect the autoclave from the mystical ways of fairies and pixies, however, undergrads have no magical powers. Perhaps, if you updated your oversized 70s glasses, you would see that these poor little undergrads are not there to put spells on the autoclave, but only to sterilize tubes, flasks, and media.

Dearest Troll, of hirsute hair and mustache, I know that you spend many working hours patrolling the corridor in front of the autoclave. And that you are inclined to thieving, because my undergrads have complained that they leave stuff in the autoclave and when they return to pick it up, magically, their containers have disappeared.

The gods above have dissolved your department below and merged the shiring of south east with the great kingdom of the north. My understanding is that this great unification means that all that is yours, is now ours.

I think the time has come for you to put down your large stick. For I fear that if you don't, you will need do battle with a great of warrior in the northern kingdom. This knight is sworn to "Protect the weak, defenseless, helpless, and fight for the general welfare of all undergrads."

So dear Troll, stop terrorizing my undergrads or I shall send you a postdoc who will expose you and your pasty whiteness to full sunlight.

Kindest regards,

Sir GPD.