Ego sum postdoc

On Friday, a PhD student from one of the other labs came to talk with me about his project. Specifically, he wanted some advice on the genetics for his project. So we talked for about one hour, or rather, I talked. I gave him insight into some of the things that I thought he might want to think about.

I felt great. Confident. I felt like I had entered a totally different realm of being. I was no longer this nervous, unsure grad student always second-guessing what she knew. While I am aware this is large-fish-in-small-pond syndrome, it was a really good idea for this fish to leave the large pond. I have no doubt that the size of the pond is inversely correlated to the magnitude of the insecurity of the graduate student. Low self-esteem and lack of confidence, however, is something that I grappled with in my PhD. I know now that other grad students feel the same but it wasn't always clear that that was true. During the last year of my PhD, I would have these conversations with my supervisor that would make me come home and cry. Luckily, HippieHusband was there to just hold me.

So I came across this popular psychology website www.coping.org that suggests reasons for why a person feels insecure. It might as well be called, "My life as a grad student."

1. Had a chaotic, unpredictable environment in which they were kept off balance, on guard, or on edge. (Read: Relationship with committee)

2. Experienced a major tragedy or loss in their lives and are having a difficult time in accepting this loss and adjusting to the change. (Read: My mother died while I was in my twenties and my family was still dealing with it in the early part of my grad school career.)

3. Experienced a major failure in life that led them to question their personal competency. (Read: Divorce during grad school. Not with HippieHusband. Yes, HippieHusband is my second. Sheesh, I hope I don't end up like Liz Taylor.))

4. Had an unrealistic list of rules and expectations prescribed by significant others in their life, rules they are striving to meet even in their current life. (Need I say more?)

5. Been given very little direction, guidance, or discipline in their earlier lives leaving them unable to cope with the current pressures of life. (Ibid.)

6. Always felt overshadowed or overlooked due to the people in their lives who seemed to be more successful, smarter, prettier, more handsome, more athletic, higher achievers, getting much attention. (Read: Other grad students at LargeUniversityinCanada)

That was then, this is now. Lately I've been feeling like I belong in academia. I feel on equal footing with most of the faculty here. At lab meetings or seminars, I am asking thoughtful questions. Even when someone else asks a question, I reason out the answer to help out in lab meetings. Conceptually, I really do know a fair bit.

Although, the students here are quite productive and they end up with strong publications, they don't own their projects. HippieHusband and I were talking about this on our walk home from school. They don't often understand the larger context to their research and as a result they can't pinpoint the biological question. So often lab meetings just end up unfocused and a discussion of data collection rather than proof of concept. At LUC, I came up with the question, designed my project, wrote the R-program to analyze the data, and wrote up the manuscript. I had much help along the way but my PhD thesis was my project. I owned it.

Before I left, a good friend, FullofLife, said to me, "You don't realize just how much you know. LUC trains their PhD students well. You will do well."

You know FullofLife, I think you're right.